Suzanne came to me for financial therapy because, despite having what most people would consider a successful life, she would stay up at night worrying, ‘What if it all disappears? What if I lose my job? What if my investments tank and I end up on the streets?’
She earned a six-figure salary, had a beautiful flat in London, a pension, an emergency fund and investments. But despite ticking every box on her financial to-do list, Suzanne was worried.
Her concerns weren’t about numbers on a spreadsheet. They were about something deeper – a fear I often see in clients, regardless of their income bracket. A gnawing sense that whatever they have, it’s never quite enough.
The clients I see suffering from this anxiety-ridden, negative view of their personal finances tend to believe the world is divided into winners and losers.
There are those who ‘have it’ – whatever ‘it’ is, be it money, the skills to make money, the ingenuity to pick the right investments, the gut feeling to tell them when to sell or the discipline to save. And then there are those who don’t – like themselves.
They might be highly competitive, constantly comparing themselves to others, feeling resentment that they have less, and using this as evidence of their inadequacies and inabilities.
This is characteristic of what Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, calls a ‘scarcity mindset’. It’s a way of thinking that affects financial choices. You might be afraid to invest, hoard money anxiously, work tirelessly because it never feels like enough, feel guilty about spending or avoid it at all costs.
The clients I see suffering from this anxiety-ridden, negative view of their personal finances tend to believe the world is divided into winners and losers, writes VICKY REYNAL
The childhood roots of scarcity thinking
Many of my clients trace their scarcity mindset back to early life experiences, long before they had any concept of money or wealth.
A parent who was emotionally distant, unavailable, or unpredictable can leave a child feeling ‘not enough’ – not loved enough, seen enough or important enough.
One client, Laura, was the youngest child in a chaotic, high-conflict home. Her parents fought constantly, and she often felt invisible.
As an adult, Laura became an accomplished researcher, quietly excelling in understanding other people’s needs, but struggling to advocate for her own. She could champion others’ causes, yet when it came to asking for a well-earned pay rise, she froze.
Deep down she believed there wasn’t enough for her, ‘the company wasn’t doing well, so it would reject her request’ or ‘it just hired someone else, so it’s unlikely’.
There was always a reason. It wasn’t until we worked through these childhood wounds that she finally stepped up, negotiated her salary and got a small pay rise.
Others have been brought up in demanding, competitive environments that foster a mindset of winners and losers, always striving for more. They had parents who incited competition, pitching themselves against the children too, and who were unable to manage their envy of how much the children had – which they hadn’t at their age.
Clients who grew up in this environment have confessed they live life feeling ‘on edge’, as if every day a verdict might reveal if they have won or lost. Did they ‘make it’?
Of course, some people grow up in actual financial scarcity, and that too can have a lasting impact.
Clare came to see me because she acknowledged she was controlling and withholding money driven by her fears of being ‘destitute’. She grew up in a household where money was tight and her requests were usually denied. No popcorn at the cinema, no second pair of shoes.
As an adult, she and her husband, Philip, earn comfortable six-figure incomes, yet she has still found herself anxious about money.
She’d get furious when Phil ‘wasted’ money on bottled water because he ‘once again’ forgot to bring his reusable bottle home, or when he upgraded to a nicer gym.
What Clare and I needed to work on was that irrational fear, which belonged to her past.
She needed to distance herself from ‘emotional inheritance’ that had no place in the reality of her circumstances.
Reframe: Shift to abundance
An abundance mindset isn’t just about seeing your glass half-full, it’s about trusting there’s a jug of water on the table with enough for endless refills. It’s even about being willing and able to share your glass, because you trust there will be more.
This mindset shift isn’t just about how we think about money, but also how we feel and act. It’s an inner shift from fear to trust, from competition to collaboration, and from lac kto possibility.
It isn’t an easy feat, but you can help yourself move closer to an abundance mindset by trying these strategies:
1. Shift focus from what you lack to what you have
Recognise all the things that you have access to thanks to the money you’ve earned, including things you might take for granted. Reflect on the fact that your hard work has enabled you to, for example, buy a car or pay for a holiday. Or even simply keep a roof over your family’s head.
Feel gratitude – and even pride – for what you have achieved.
But also recognise your non-financial assets. Your identity should not be tied solely to your job or your earnings, so give value to your identity as a whole – as a parent, spouse, friend or sibling.
2. Ask yourself: ‘What will more get me?’
Many clients answer ‘security’ or ‘freedom’, but I invite them to explore why they don’t feel they have those things already. Do they truly believe more money will deliver these things?
Others reveal a hope that more money will make them happier, more likeable or resolve conflicts in their family.
Facing the fact that this might only be a fantasy can be disappointing, but also liberating.
3. See opportunity rather than competition
There is enough opportunity for everyone to grow their wealth.
If you don’t believe this, you may find yourself trying to hide feelings of inadequacy when friends talk about finances, rather than leaning into the conversation and learning from them.
You might be defensive and transactional in business deals rather than collaborative, and as a result miss out on potential opportunities. If you catch yourself thinking like this, ask yourself: ‘What am I missing out on by approaching it this way?’
Maybe there’s a collaborative deal, or valuable information, that you’re shutting yourself off from.
4. Focus on the future and not the past
Connect with your sense of agency. Which areas of your finances can you improve, with a little bit of focus and energy?
Instead of remaining stuck in a narrative of ‘I am terrible with money!’ reframe it to, ‘I need to learn more about investing,’ or perhaps ‘I’m creating a savings pot for taxes this year.’
Instead of, ‘the debt is representative of how hopeless I am,’ say: ‘I will start repaying £150 a month to clear my debt by year end.’
Small, actionable steps can perpetuate a positive cycle that helps us feel capable and effective rather than simmering in shame to no avail.
We can’t always make the shift on our own. If your scarcity mindset is rooted in early life experiences – if you were raised to believe there wasn’t enough love, attention or safety – it might take time and professional support in order to heal.
- All names and identifying details have been changed to protect client confidentiality and privacy.
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